The Paiute Springs Sentinel

January 23, 1876

"Ever Vigilant, A Beacon of Truth!"

$0.05

Strange Lights To The North

by Oliver Milhouse

Prospectors have reported seeing strange lights to the north of town. Speculation is running rampant as to the source of the weird illuminations. Some attribute them to meteor showers, others say they're the result of too much drink on the part of the prospectors. All agree that the source of the light is many miles from the town. Town Marshal Lila Kemzey reports that if they turn out to be anything more than will o' the wisps, rest assured, she'll round up a posse and check them out. Otherwise, she urges citizens to keep calm and mind their own beezwax. Be sure that your Ever Vigilant Sentinel will keep you posted!

 

It's a Girl!

by Oliver Milhouse

Roman and Francis Farrabee have had their first child, a beautiful daughter by the name of Esme. All are welcome to the baby's christening ceremony at the Paiute Springs Church on January 30. Let's show them some support!

Local Songbird Soars

by Oliver Milhouse

Our very own Ginny Lindstrom, whose velvet tones we have all enjoyed at our esteemed Mayor's Prince Royal Arms restaurant, has secured a permanent contact with Alvin Marstrand Players. This troupe of entertainers, if you recall, visited our fair town, just two weeks hence and plied us with their sounds of the East and South.  They were apparently quite struck with our Ginny and we couldn't be prouder. Be sure and catch Ginny's final performance at the Prince Royal on January 29 at 8 o'clock.

Alas, Alas

by Oliver Milhouse

Jack Harrington's mule, Otis, is no more. The poor beast just keeled over last Tuesday morning while hauling Jack's milk cart. No funeral arrangements have been announced.

Tilden to Join Race

by Oliver Milhouse

New York governor Samuel Tilden is reputed to be joining the race for President against our incumbent,  Ulysses S. Grant. The election, slated for November of this year, has a lot riding on it—no less than the fate of our war-torn nation. Tilden, a proponent of the "peace" movement which advocates for a more reconciliatory stance with the Confederacy, is thought to have long odds against our popular incumbent. Nevertheless, the war has dragged on for some time and some seek a change. As for the Sentinel, we'll take a "wait and see" attitude before issuing an endorsement.

Dear Aunt Sally…

by Sally Mae Baumgarten

Dear Aunt Sally, I can't seem to get rid of my corns. No matter what I do, they come right back. Mama told me to put corn flour on them, but that didn't work. What can I do? — S.

Dear S, the best remedy for corns that I have come across is take a rough stone—like pumice—and really grind down that rascal. Then soak your feet in hot water for a little while. Afterward, put some castor oil on the corns. You should start getting some relief soon enough — Yours, Aunt Sally.

Dear Aunt Sally, how do you get boys to ask you to dance. Asking for my lily-livered sis. — A.

Dear A, the best way to get boys to ask you to dance is a winning smile. Practice your smile in front of a mirror until you get it down pat. Be welcoming, but not tempting. Be friendly, but not forward. A good smile opens many doors. And be nice to your sister. — Yours, Aunt Sally.