The Paiute Springs Sentinel

Sunday Edition

April 2, 1876

"Ever Vigilant, A Beacon of Truth!"

$0.05

Shootout at the Prince Royal!

by Oliver Milhouse

Gunshots rang out through the night from our esteemed Mayor's establishment last Monday night around midnight! Night clerk Vince McGillicuddy reports that semi-permanent guest Roland Dupre had an altercation with a newly-arrived stranger, a Miss Simone Moreau of New Orleans, in his room, ending with his firing his gun at her. Some reports have Miss Moreau being armed with a derringer at the time, others, not. Regardless, the altercation ended with her bearing a gut wound!

But then things get a little odd. Tombstone Epitaph odd, my friends.

Apparently, the gathered combatants (which included Miss Moreau's bodyguards and Miss Geradine Keeler), were also visited by a wandering Dust Devil! Yes friends, one of those legendary creatures of the deep desert that we've heard tell of from wandering travelers but never dared believed! Darn thing showed up in the hotel room! 

At any rate. Mr. Dupre will be questioned by Judge Perryman when he returns from riding circuit, as will Ms. Moreau, who has been commanded by Marshal Kimsey to remain in town.

Dupre Exonerated

by Oliver Milhouse

This Friday Judge Bradford Perryman heard the strange case of the shootout at the Prince Royal Arms Hotel that took place on Monday. Roland Dupre, local card sharp and gunman, and Miss Simone Moreau, lately of New Orleans, had an altercation in Dupre's room at the Prince Royal which ended in Miss Moreau being shot by Mr. Dupre. Mr. Dupre claimed self defense.

According to Mr. Dupre, Miss Moreau claimed that he had something that belonged to her and she kept cajoling him to hand it over. He assured her that he didn't know what she was talking about and attempted to avoid the woman. According to Dupre, she sent her hulking bodyguards, known only as Malcolm and Rudy, to tear apart his room, presumably to find this item. When confronted about it, Dupre says she pulled a derringer on him, which forced him to draw on her in kind and defend himself.

For her part, Miss Moreau claims that she, indeed, believes, that Dupre has something that belongs to her, and that when she confronted him about it, he grew agitated. She called for her bodyguards, who tore down the door to get to her, and he drew a gun on her and fired, but she drew her gun too late to defend herself.

Judge Perryman characterized Miss Moreau's story as "unmitigated horsehit" and ordered her to leave town under the escort of the town Marshal. He found Mr. Dupre not guilty of attempted murder. Roland's gun was returned to him by the town Marshal. This is the second time in a month that the young man has appeared before the judge and been exonerated.

Egg Hunt on Church Lawn

by Oliver Milhouse

Just a reminder: There will be an Easter Egg Hunt on the Paiute Springs Church Lawn on Sunday April 16th at 9 o'clock before the sermon that morning.

"Peace Ordinance" on the Table

by Oliver Milhouse

A group of concerned citizens, led by Mrs. Minerva Gage, has brought to Mayor J.P. Jefferson a proposal to pass a "peace ordinance" in the town, essentially banning the carrying of firearms in the city limits. Other communities have had such ordinances pass in an attempt to establish law and order on the frontier. No word as to whether the ordinance will appear as a referendum in an upcoming election or not.

Ask Aunt Sally

by Sally Mae Baumgarten

Dear Aunt Sally, I find myself being melancholy much of the time. Even around friends or doing things that usually bring me joy. I sometimes turn to the bottle to bring me solace. What can I do? — G.

Dear G, I am so sorry to hear that you are sad. But the bottle is not the answer. Only more sadness lies there. Turn to your friends or to the Good Lord. Find time to contemplate what brings you joy and focus on that. Turn away from thoughts of sadness. Look to family and friends and the Church for support. You have people that care about you. Don't turn away from them and seek solace in drink. — Yours, Aunt Sally.

Dear Aunt Sally, My husband says my breath is horrible. Not just in the morning, either. What can I do? I eat hard candy to mask it but that don't seem to do no good…— S.

Dear S., Try chewing mint leaves for a while, this may help. You may also need to see Doc Fabry—you may have abscess and this rot may be the root cause of the odor. Also, get a pick for your teeth and pick after every meal. Things get caught up in between your teeth and fester and cause the stink in your mouth. Getting rid of that will help. Between all of these things, you should feel, and smell, better in no time.— Yours, Aunt Sally.

Dear Aunt Sally, My brother is a toot. He keeps putting frogs in my bed. I want to get him but good. What can I do? — K.

Dear K., Aren't brothers the worst? There are any number of things you can do to "get him but good." Put molasses in his boots. Put a grass snake in his bed. Don't be afraid to get creative. But most of all—don't hurt him too bad—he is your brother, after all. — Yours, Aunt Sally.