The Paiute Springs Sentinel

Sunday Edition

April 30, 1876

"Ever Vigilant, A Beacon of Truth!"

$0.05

Kidnappers Revealed! Devil-Worshippers Uncovered!

by Oliver Milhouse

Hold on to your crosses, friends. This one's going to take you into the valley, so to speak.

This past week, our own beloved Imogene Crane, schoolteacher and literary champion, was assaulted on Camp Road by three masked men while she was on her way to have dinner with her friend, Geraldine Keeler, at the Keeler House. The two ladies managed to fight off the ruffians, but the event was nevertheless traumatic for our poor educator.

"I just don't understand why anyone would want to do such a thing," she said later. "It doesn't make any sense."

Apparently, she pulled a pendant off one of her assailants (pictured here). According to Miss Keeler, it is an alchemical symbol for silver.

According to Town Marshal Lila Kimsey, the men came from the mining camp of Zebedee Duvane. She and some unnamed others formed a posse and went and checked out the situation, but no arrests were made.

This may have been a mistake on the part of our esteemed Marshal.

The next day, Geraldine Keeler and Roland Dupre were attacked by three more masked miners from Duvane's camp. Unfortunately for them, Dupre was quick on the draw and Geraldine was no slouch with a gun her own self. They managed to capture one and take him in to the Marshal.

According to testimony from the subsequent trial, this man, one John Pendleton, worked for a "master" called the "Argent Flame" for whom Zebedee Duvane was a servant. They wanted Imogene, and later Geraldine, because they were spinsters and thus "unsullied."

Marshal Kimsey gathered Geraldine and Roland up and marched into the mining camps and confronted Duvane. A fight ensued and two more men were apprehended, as well as Zebedee Duvane.

One would think that would be the end of it, friends, but fanaticism is hard to put down.

That night, April 24, Geraldine Keeler was kidnapped from her own bed and taken to the Duvane camp and prepared for a devil-worshipping sacrifice! According to testimony from the trial, they strapped the poor young woman to a rock and were going to sacrifice her to some nefarious demon were it not for young Roland Dupre coming in, guns blazing, and disrupting the ceremony. Geraldine managed to free herself, and Roland was overwhelmed in the fight, but the cultists were subdued and she was released.

Devil-worship! Cults! Virgin sacrifice! All right here in Paiute Springs! It's disgraceful! But all's well that ends well, as the Bard says.  Let's send our prayers to Miss Keeler for a speedy recovery from this traumatic experience.

Miners Convicted. Dupre To Be Jailed.

by Oliver Milhouse

Zebedee Duvane and his group of diabolic miners have been convicted by Judge Perryman in circuit court and sentenced prison in Virginia City. Zebedee himself will spend 20 years in a cell for conspiracy to commit kidnapping and attempted murder. His followers will spend 30 years in prison for actually doing the deed.

In a sidebar, Judge Perryman sentenced Roland Dupre to 30 days in county prision in Pioche for being "gun-happy."

The Duvane crew is awaiting the arrival of U.S Marshals to transport them to Virginia City and then to prision. Dupre is awaiting the next stage to Pioche.

Jennings Named Deputy

by Oliver Milhouse

Ethan Jennings has been named Marshal Lila Kimsey's official deputy. The good Marshal has been saying for a long time that she needed the help and has finally taken action.

Jennings is twenty-one years old, a former shotgunner for the Old Barcelona stage, and an avid reader of dime novels—especially those about Nevada Smith.

Collins Hangs Up His Shingle

by Oliver Milhouse

Jim and Patrick Collins, Undertakers and Coffin Makers, have hung up their shingle on Church Street and are offering their services for all of your mortuary and funerary needs. An experienced pair of undertakers from Chicago, the Collins Brothers are prepared to help in your time of grieving to ease your deceased family member or friend into the Great Beyond. Feel free to call upon them day or night.

Coyotes Collude with Confederates

by Oliver Milhouse

It has become increasingly clear that the so-called "Coyote Confederation" is operating in collusion with the Confederated States of America. As offensives from the CSA escalate in light of their upcoming election, the Coyotes are seen to rarely raid Confederate sites or even disputed sites that are thought to be sympathetic to the Southern Cause. However, they do target Union supply lines and other vulnerable positions.

There may come a time, friends, where our beloved Union is forced to fight a war on multiple fronts against multiple enemies. It is no wonder that our esteemed leader, U.S. Grant, is looking so haggard these days. The weight of the ship of state is indeed great.

Dear Aunt Sally…

by Sally Mae Baumgarten

Dear Aunt Sally, I have had a sore throat that just won't quit. I've tried vinegar and hot water but that don't work none. Any idears? — B.

Dear B., This is the time of year when our noses and throats really start clogging up on us. Here's an "idear." Try dog fennel boiled with lard for your throat. I bet you see an improvement. — Yours, Aunt Sally.

Dear Aunt Sally, My mama always said tansy tea was a good cure for white swelling. Is that true? Also what about this for warts? Rubbing the warts with stones and then throwing the stones away? Always worked for my Nana…—T.

Dear T., Tansy tea is a wonderful remedy for a great many ills, white swelling (or hip joint disease) being one of them. As far as the warts—well, let's just say I'd rather stick with my pumice stone and castor oil trick. I'd hate to gainsay your Nana—if that works for you, then by all means stick with it. —Yours, Aunt Sally.

Dear Aunt Sally, I lost my husband H. last summer in a mining accident—poor soul fell down a shaft. Anyway, these past two nights, he's been visiting me in my parlor, just as bold as you please. He shows up and just smiles at me, doesn't say a word. Then he leaves. What do you make of that? —N.

Dear N., I can only say that we live in strange times and if seeing your husband gives you comfort, then by all means take what comfort you can. If it is something that brings you more grief, then talk to Reverend Gage and see about a cleansing of your home. I only hope that whatever route you go, you have peace of mind about your husband and that you know that he loves you no matter where he is. — Yours, Aunt Sally.