The Paiute Springs Sentinel

Sunday Edition

January 30, 1876

"Ever Vigilant, A Beacon of Truth!"

$0.05

Daltry Bros. Purchase Mechanical Mule

by Oliver Milhouse

Asa and Randall Daltry, two silver miners encamped around our fair town, have gone in together on the purchase on one of those wondrous contraptions made available by the Smith & Robards outfit out of Salt Lake City. Their previous mule, Bessy, being a cantakerous beast by all accounts, was not well liked and was unceremoniously sold to Mr. Han, our local launderer.

The arrival of the mechanical model by air carriage last Wednesday was the most exciting thing to happen in the town all week. The carriage landed just outside the outskirts of town and set down gently. Two gentlemen trundled out the crate and announced themselves and their intended addressees. The Daltry Brothers came forward and signed for their package and then the air carriage gentle rose on gossamer wings once again. It was breathtaking.

It took about half an hour for Asa to figure out how to get the confounded device started. But once he did, he and Randall walked it back to their camp. Soon they and some of the children around town were having mule rides—until it shut down again. They managed to solicit the help Geraldine Keeler, the town's local tinker, to get things right again. Soon, the miners and the children were cavorting through town on "Bucket" once again.

Deirdre Hollingsworth Dell

by Oliver Milhouse

We were saddened to hear of the passing of Deirdre Hollingsworth Dell (b. March 1, 1806). "Dee Dee" was a staple of the mining community and welcome face at the Imperial. Her razor-sharp wit and no-nonsense attitude were her defining characteristics.

She is survived by a daughter, Samantha Jane (Dell) Case of Virginia City, and a son, Edgar Daniel Dell of Pioche.

Wanted: Thomas Wayne Michaelson

by Oliver Milhouse

Town Marshal Lila Kimsey is offering a reward of $100 for the arrest of Thomas Wayne Michaelson. Michaelson apparently came into the mining camp and absconded with some supplies from various tents in the area. A poster is available in the Jail.

US Government Denies Existence of Strange Lights

by Oliver Milhouse

Your intrepid reporter has contacted the officials at the United States government facility to the north of Paiute Springs, colloquially known as "Fort 51" concerning the strange lights sighted in that direction.

I have received the following "official response.

Dear Mr. Milhouse,

Thank you for your inquiry. There are no experiments, "illicit" or otherwise, being performed at Fort 51 by the United States Government, that can account for the "strange lights" you or your readers report. Might I suggest your community look a bit closer to its own affairs instead of toward imaginary illuminations far into the desert skies.

Yours,

Captain Jay Kyle, 10th Cavalry Regiment, United States Army

Naturally, the authorities would have us deny our own senses rather than address the matter. Rest assured, gentle reader, we will get to the bottom of the matter. Truth will out!

Dear Aunt Sally…

by Sally Mae Baumgarten

Dear Aunt Sally,

I can't seem to get my husband to pay attention to me. He comes in from a day of prospecting and tells me about his day, but when I go to describe how my day with the children has gone, he ignores me or interrupts with "more important" things—like inquiries about dinner. I think what I do is important, too. Is there a way to make him see this? — C.

Dear C.,

Of course what you do is important. Without your important work, the household would fold around this old coot's ears. He just seems to have forgotten that. Sit down and talk to your husband about this one evening, after all the chores have been taken care of and there is nothing to distract from your talk. If he still doesn't listen, well, then quiet perseverance, the watch-word of the fairer sex since time immemorial, shall be your shield I'm afraid. — Yours, Aunt Sally.

Dear Aunt Sally, I can't stand my father-in-law. Can. Not. Stand. Him. He's a Confederate Sympathizer, for one thing. For another, he's a snuffer. Disgusting habit. At any rate, my wife dotes on the old man—a real "Daddy's Girl." But if I have endure another family dinner with this man, I may have to call him out, "in the Southern Way." What can I do?" —F.

Dear F., I'm afraid you married into your wife's family when you took your vows. Didn't you meet her family when you were courting? At any rate, you should have known exactly what you were getting into. Further, think of your wife before making any false moves. Your duty to our wife necessitates that you indulge her in this. Duty before comfort, always. — Yours, Aunt Sally.

Dear Aunt Sally, I'm pretty sure my neighbor stole my German Chocolate Cake recipe—the nerve! And she never has the class to mention where she got it. What should I do about it? — D

Dear D., My dear this is greatest of problems! Simply invite her to bake more cakes! Then you get more cake. Sure, she may get credit, but you get free cake! —Yours, Aunt Sally.